grrrr….

{ November 16, 2009 @ 5:01 pm } · { written by Ginger }
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Why can’t things be simple?

The November FET has been canceled.  My follicle isn’t growing well this cycle, my lining is too thick for this point in my cycle, and there’s some fluid in there that doesn’t belong.

The nurse grabbed Dr. Cheerful himself to double check and deliver the verdict.  He wasn’t so painfully cheerful today, busy would be a better description.  Anyway, cycle canceled.  :( We’ll clean things out and start over again. 

Ten days of provera starting today.  Then I’ll get a period within 3-4 days.  On CD2, I start estrogen.  Three little blue pills per day.  And around CD12, I’ll go in for a check to see if my lining looks the way it should.  If it does, then we’ll have our FET in December.  The nurse is shooting for the 16th but it could be the 14th or it could be the 18th…

When we found out that the cycle would be canceled, we were thinking January woudl be our next chance but the nurse looked pretty confused.  like, why would you want to delay?  Uh…holidays?  Oh well…

1st monitoring appointment

{ November 12, 2009 @ 9:48 pm } · { written by Ginger }
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The cyst on my left ovary that is my constant friend is still there.  My best guess is that it’s been hanging around since 2006, so I can hardly expect it to just disappear.

My right ovary has one dominant follicle, like it should.  But that follicle is only measuring 8mm and my E2 level was only 69.  So it’s developing very slowly.  Last cycle was a week too long and AF was far too light.  I wondered if I was messed up but the nurse coordinator seems to think it’s okay anyway.  My cycle is just gearing up to be a long cycle.  And apparently that’s not unusual after an IVF cycle and a miscarriage.

I have to go in on Monday, 11/16 for another appointment.  We’ll see where I am then but the nurse guessed that I would probably be ready to ovulate around 11/18 based on the normal growth rate of follicles.  After that, if my LH surge (or HCG shot) is the 18th, it will be 5-7 days from then until transfer.

Cross your fingers and toes for a good report on Monday.

November

{ November 2, 2009 @ 10:53 am } · { written by Ginger }
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Yesterday AF finally arrived.  That was cycle day one.  Because my periods are usually 30ish days long, we don’t have to do anything until cycle day 12.  On the 12th, I’ll grab a train over to Mainline for an appointment.  They’ll check my blood and do an ultrasound and tell me where I am in my cycle.

I am taking Doxycycline, Baby Aspirin, and Prenatal Vitamins.

How do I feel?  I’m glad AF arrived so we can get this started but I can’t muster up any excitement.  I have a lot to do this month.  I’m glad that there will be less monitoring than expected but truthfully, I’m tired of cycling.  I’ve been trying to be a surrogate for 3 years and haven’t yet managed it.  I just want the happy pregnant part to start.  The cycle is a necessary evil to get us there. I’m resigned to the necessity.  Is this how people who are forced to do IVF for themselves feel?  I used to see each new cycle as an adventure, something new and exciting.  Now it feels like a routine and not a fun one.

Awards…

{ October 29, 2009 @ 10:40 am } · { written by Ginger }
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So my co-author has decided to make me accept an award.  I don’t know if it’s allowed…but here we go.

I give good blog

AWARDS!

{ October 29, 2009 @ 10:15 am } · { Uncategorized }
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We are all patiently (not) waiting for AF to show. I refuse to stress about it. It will come when it comes and not a minute before.

I have taken too long to thank Rebekah at Making Miracles for bestowing this generous award on us. The reason is that I was trying to decide who to ‘pay it forward’ to… So, my picks are (in no special order):

  • Shelly at What Would You Do If You Ran The World. Shelly and I went to high school together and have reconnected through – you guessed it – Facebook. She’s a great writer and I love her topics.
  • Shana at Life on the Rollercoaster. Shana is the proud mom to 3 adorable boys – 2 are twins delivered via a GS.
  • Swistle at Baby Names. I am a baby name freak so I LOVE this blog. I just read through for suggestions and then take notes on the names I like.
  • Ruth at My Home Fit. Ruth is my next door neighbor / babysitter / personal trainer / dear friend all wrapped up into one! She has great advice about living healthy. I promise not to keep her quite so busy so she has time to write.
  • Ginger at Puzzle Pieces: Life and It Takes Three. Yes, that’s right. I just sent my co-author the award. Don’t know if that’s against the rules, but she deserves it. Ginger blogs more than anyone I know! And I love it!

Please send AF soon…

{ October 29, 2009 @ 9:05 am } · { written by Ginger }
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I’m going a little crazy here waiting for the hag to show her face.  Doesn’t she know that we have a schedule to keep?  Dr. Cheerful did mention that my period might be a bit late…but now she’s 5 whole days late and it’s just not okay anymore.  And I can’t force her to come.  Well…I could but that might mess up my next cycle too and I need my body to be functioning properly next cycle.  If Dr. Cheerful was going to suppress me with BCPs and lupron anyway, I’d head straight for the herbals and force the issue.  But he’s not so I can’t.

If my period arrives tomorrow – I’d ovulate around the 14th/15th and transfer 3-5 days later.

Every day that AF delays is a delay in transfer.  Which would be fine except that next month is November.  November means NaNoWriMo and Thanksgiving.  I already vetoed any other plans for the month so that I can stay free to get this done…but Jess has plans.  Theoretically if AF delays long enough, Jess won’t be able to go to transfer and that would suck.  I know…there are other people who would go with me.  It wouldn’t be the end of the world…but still…

So…Anyone who’s out there in surroland reading this, won’t you please send AF my way?

Update and Whine

{ October 15, 2009 @ 8:48 pm } · { written by Jess }
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I had the consult with Dr. Glassner today. He made a stupid joke to begin with, but it was sweet and I still really like him! We are looking at a mid-November frozen embryo transfer (FET) dependent on when Ginger gets her period. They will thaw 4 and transfer 2. Yes, we have the distinct possibility of twins. We’ll deal.

An online friend is going through a terrible ordeal right now. Her 3 week old daughter’s birthmom came and got the baby today. It’s such a terrible situation, and although I wholeheartedly believe in waiting periods after TPR, it is heartbreaking for the family that has to return the baby. There are so many extenuating circumstances in this situation that I have trouble keeping them all straight. I won’t comment anymore.

I realized this morning that I see so many heartbreaks: disrupted adoptions, miscarriages, preemies, failed transfers, the gamut of family building and infertility nightmares. I don’t want to know. I don’t want to be part of this world. I want to be blissfully unaware that people aren’t able to get pregnant on their own. I want to be completely ignorant about betas and 2ww and PIO and all the rest of the buzz words and initials that are part and parcel of the infertility world.

On the other hand, we have the best surrogate; the best birthmother; we are so blessed with our situation. I have met the greatest women (and men!), the sweetest friends, that I never would have known if not for our ‘infertile’ situation. I guess this is the way it’s supposed to be. I have to take the good with the not-so-good. Some days I just wish I could go back to the days when I thought babies were made by mommy and daddy in the bedroom. Does that ever happen anymore?

….

{ October 10, 2009 @ 1:01 pm } · { written by Ginger }
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Things just seem normal now between cycles.  I took OPK’s this past week, just out of curiousity.  If you know when you ovulated, you know when your period is due.  My positive OPK was the 5th in the evening.  And the positive OPK is usually 36-48 hours before ovulation (if I remember correctly) so I probably ovulated on the 7th.

If we count 8/25 as CD1 and I have a normal cycle, AF should start between the 23rd and the 25th of October (and based on the OPK, I’m guessing my period will start the 23rd) …if it goes the way I think it will and AF is on time, I suspect transfer will be between the 8th and the 14th of November – basing it on PinkMama’s protocol without supression and assuming a normal 28-day cycle …but I could be wrong since it depends when AF shows up and whether we transfer at day 3 or 5.  With a normal protocol where they suppress me with BCPs and Lupron before they start estrogen, transfer would probably be the last few days of november or the first few of December.

Jess has the consult this week so we’ll have a better guess what will happen in November when she’s in then.

Next?

{ October 2, 2009 @ 11:08 pm } · { written by Ginger }
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Jess has an appointment on 10/15 at the clinic. I do not have to go but Jess said she’d call me from the office and I’m going to send her a list of my questions so she can add them to hers.

The miscarriage is done.  Eight days total from the first day of spotting to the last day of spotting.
Warning! The rest of this post is probably TMI. You shouldn’t read the rest if you’re squeamish or just don’t want to know the details.

… continue reading this entry.

I’ve been putting this off

{ September 26, 2009 @ 8:51 am } · { written by Jess }
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By now you all know that Ginger is going to miscarry. It’s actually already started, but will get worse this weekend. I’ve been concentrating on the practicalities of this since Monday:

  • Make the appointment
  • Make arrangements for the appointment (G’s train, sitter for Cass, etc)
  • Get to the appointment
  • Record the information
  • Relate it back to DH, friends, etc.
  • Make a follow up appointment
  • Repeat

When I got sick w/cancer I sent everyone an email. I received many responses, all very sweet and supportive, but one stood out. My friend wrote “Well shit. That sucks.” She was the only one that came out and send what I imagine everyone was thinking but just could not or would not put in words.

Those 4 words have been bouncing around in my head all week. WELL SHIT. THAT SUCKS. And what’s even worse is how we found out. Ginger and I are both very educated on IVF and early pregnancy (thank you SMO!), so when the nurse handed us the blood results from the previous Friday we both honed in on the HcG number: 130. And we both went “Uh. Wait, this can’t be right. This isn’t good. Oh wow, this isn’t a good number.” The nurse said “The doctor will tell you what it means.” Um, HELLO. We KNOW what it means. It means that the beta didn’t double and the pregnancy is likely not viable. Then when the u/s tech got quiet, I told her “it’s ok, we saw the beta, we know something’s wrong.” And G and I both honed in on the measurement on the screen. The sac was measuring 4w4d (4 weeks 4 days) when we should have been 5w5d. Strike 2.

Dr. Glassner was very nice (as he must do this multiple times per day). “Nothing Ginger could have done differently.” “These things just happen.” “Wasn’t meant to be.”

And I get all that, but… WELL SHIT. THAT SUCKS. We assumed this would work. Ginger’s eggs are good. Scott’s sa came back perfect. The embryos looked “gorgeous.” Her lining was great. So WTF went wrong? SOMEONE TELL ME WHY THIS DIDN’T WORK. Cause I don’t understand. And I don’t understand why the person who is doing this unbelievable thing for us has to go through hell, physically and emotionally, because it didn’t work. Please explain this to me.

I am grateful for my husband, my daughter, Ginger, my family and friends. I have a great life and most of the time I can be rational and realize that it will all work out and everything happens for a reason. But man, sometimes I just want to scream “WELL SHIT. THAT SUCKS.”

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