Archive for September, 2009

I’ve been putting this off

By now you all know that Ginger is going to miscarry. It’s actually already started, but will get worse this weekend. I’ve been concentrating on the practicalities of this since Monday:

  • Make the appointment
  • Make arrangements for the appointment (G’s train, sitter for Cass, etc)
  • Get to the appointment
  • Record the information
  • Relate it back to DH, friends, etc.
  • Make a follow up appointment
  • Repeat

When I got sick w/cancer I sent everyone an email. I received many responses, all very sweet and supportive, but one stood out. My friend wrote “Well shit. That sucks.” She was the only one that came out and send what I imagine everyone was thinking but just could not or would not put in words.

Those 4 words have been bouncing around in my head all week. WELL SHIT. THAT SUCKS. And what’s even worse is how we found out. Ginger and I are both very educated on IVF and early pregnancy (thank you SMO!), so when the nurse handed us the blood results from the previous Friday we both honed in on the HcG number: 130. And we both went “Uh. Wait, this can’t be right. This isn’t good. Oh wow, this isn’t a good number.” The nurse said “The doctor will tell you what it means.” Um, HELLO. We KNOW what it means. It means that the beta didn’t double and the pregnancy is likely not viable. Then when the u/s tech got quiet, I told her “it’s ok, we saw the beta, we know something’s wrong.” And G and I both honed in on the measurement on the screen. The sac was measuring 4w4d (4 weeks 4 days) when we should have been 5w5d. Strike 2.

Dr. Glassner was very nice (as he must do this multiple times per day). “Nothing Ginger could have done differently.” “These things just happen.” “Wasn’t meant to be.”

And I get all that, but… WELL SHIT. THAT SUCKS. We assumed this would work. Ginger’s eggs are good. Scott’s sa came back perfect. The embryos looked “gorgeous.” Her lining was great. So WTF went wrong? SOMEONE TELL ME WHY THIS DIDN’T WORK. Cause I don’t understand. And I don’t understand why the person who is doing this unbelievable thing for us has to go through hell, physically and emotionally, because it didn’t work. Please explain this to me.

I am grateful for my husband, my daughter, Ginger, my family and friends. I have a great life and most of the time I can be rational and realize that it will all work out and everything happens for a reason. But man, sometimes I just want to scream “WELL SHIT. THAT SUCKS.”

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I’m mad

The nurse at the clinic made sure G had a script for her beta that said “stat” as in IMMEDIATELY. She said “our fax number is on here so they’ll send it right over to us.” Granted, we never said “will you call immediately?” But that was implied, right? It’s just rude to have the results sitting there and not call us. We know it’s positive, so yes, it’s a bit anti-climactic but when DH refuses to tell anyone anything until the DOCTOR says we’re pregnant, that makes it kind of important.

G left a voice mail at the clinic yesterday and I left one today. And we KNOW they are there on the weekends, which makes it even more frustrating. Had I thought about it early enough this morning, I could have driven to the clinic and walked in and asked. Do you think they would have given me the results or escorted me out? I was calm all weekend, but now I’m annoyed. It’s just not right. They KNOW how important this is, they do this all the time. I hope they call G tomorrow instead of me cause I might be let them know how annoyed I am.

Anyway, I guess we’ll have the beta # tomorrow.

Clarify the quote

I was in a hurry and got my quote wrong this morning. It’s Shelby from Steel Magnolias and the real quote (at least according to IMDB) is “I would rather have thirty minutes of wonderful than a lifetime of nothing special.” Funny thing is I use it all the time and I always get it wrong. Oh well, you get the gist…

Another step towards #2

I woke up to a text picture this morning of a digital that said “PREGNANT.” Wow. I pretty much knew it was coming as there were faint positives yesterday but WOW. I will be more excited to see the betas rise and honestly, I won’t feel ‘out of the woods’ until 12+ weeks. But I refuse to NOT be excited because of what could happen. “15 minutes of happiness is better than a lifetime of nothing.” (or something like that!)

I’m blogging while Cass is sitting on the air mattress (her new favorite place to hang out) and watching a Baby Einstein video. It’s completely surreal to think that this time next year, there will be 2 of her (well, maybe her and a him 🙂 ) Since she takes up 90% of my time I wonder how I will give the other baby an additional 90%. The math doesn’t add up. And, selfishly as an oldest child I feel badly that I’ll be taking attention from her. I know it’s in her best interest, but she has a great life right now and who am I to add a baby to that mix? Of course these are moot points as we are PREGNANT and it’s all GOING to happen. She will love her little brother and it’s good for her to learn to share  – things and time.

As a side note, you’ll notice my references to baby brother. I’m going to assume it’s a boy until proven otherwise (worked for the pregnancy!). Of course we would adore another baby girl, but I think it would be amazing to have 1 of each.

Cass has decided Mommy’s blogging time is through. She wants to see the “baby” (pictures of her on the computer) and “Ani” (our baby next door).

So, as the pictures says, we’re PREGNANT. LOL.