I’ve been putting this off

By now you all know that Ginger is going to miscarry. It’s actually already started, but will get worse this weekend. I’ve been concentrating on the practicalities of this since Monday:

  • Make the appointment
  • Make arrangements for the appointment (G’s train, sitter for Cass, etc)
  • Get to the appointment
  • Record the information
  • Relate it back to DH, friends, etc.
  • Make a follow up appointment
  • Repeat

When I got sick w/cancer I sent everyone an email. I received many responses, all very sweet and supportive, but one stood out. My friend wrote “Well shit. That sucks.” She was the only one that came out and send what I imagine everyone was thinking but just could not or would not put in words.

Those 4 words have been bouncing around in my head all week. WELL SHIT. THAT SUCKS. And what’s even worse is how we found out. Ginger and I are both very educated on IVF and early pregnancy (thank you SMO!), so when the nurse handed us the blood results from the previous Friday we both honed in on the HcG number: 130. And we both went “Uh. Wait, this can’t be right. This isn’t good. Oh wow, this isn’t a good number.” The nurse said “The doctor will tell you what it means.” Um, HELLO. We KNOW what it means. It means that the beta didn’t double and the pregnancy is likely not viable. Then when the u/s tech got quiet, I told her “it’s ok, we saw the beta, we know something’s wrong.” And G and I both honed in on the measurement on the screen. The sac was measuring 4w4d (4 weeks 4 days) when we should have been 5w5d. Strike 2.

Dr. Glassner was very nice (as he must do this multiple times per day). “Nothing Ginger could have done differently.” “These things just happen.” “Wasn’t meant to be.”

And I get all that, but… WELL SHIT. THAT SUCKS. We assumed this would work. Ginger’s eggs are good. Scott’s sa came back perfect. The embryos looked “gorgeous.” Her lining was great. So WTF went wrong? SOMEONE TELL ME WHY THIS DIDN’T WORK. Cause I don’t understand. And I don’t understand why the person who is doing this unbelievable thing for us has to go through hell, physically and emotionally, because it didn’t work. Please explain this to me.

I am grateful for my husband, my daughter, Ginger, my family and friends. I have a great life and most of the time I can be rational and realize that it will all work out and everything happens for a reason. But man, sometimes I just want to scream “WELL SHIT. THAT SUCKS.”

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